is it me?

Am I just tired and run down by the games and politics at the site? The fourth Monday of the new semester has brought a longing for old students who had really good and creative ideas. Students who began work without hesitation, without nagging - WITHOUT WHINING!!! Boy do I miss them all. Was it all just a dream?

The maturity level of the rural student is sometimes comparative to what the middle school urban student is. There is a culture of laziness and apathy here. "Do it for me" - I hate those words. Despicable.

Gossip is king here - no matter what. Truth and kindness are leftovers of the fat to chew. It's so sad how easily people will destroy one another for entertainment - and nobody has anything interesting to say. Sometimes it seems that the passion behind the latest story (created or true) is the only evidence of brainwaves in some students.

Cultivating independent thought and creativity is sometimes tough to do in such acrid soil. I keep watering the dirt, planting the bulbs, turning on the lights, waiting for something to grow.

I'm stubborn, and I don't want to lower my expectations yet again. They are children - but that doesn't mean they're not ready to think for themselves. So, what did I do to motivate the city kids?

I made connections.

night and day

The first week of the new semester was strange. All of my behavior problems seemed to resolve themselves! There was only one students' behavior that required addressing. After addressing the issue, the student dropped the class! About a dozen students have added my class. I don't think I'll have to review much of the content - because my methods of discussion, demo, research,  inquiry, then project seems to lend students to naturally ask questions, seek understanding.

The turnaround has been pleasant. 

I brought lamps into the dungeon of a classroom. I made them myself, and laughed with my students about how ugly they are. I used full spectrum light bulbs, and now I don't get headaches from the flicker of the flourescent bulbs fighting with the flicker of the computer screens anymore. I have planted bulbs in little pots, and brought them to the room. Little buds of daffodils and bright yellow and red calla lillies will soon bloom. Student work adorns the walls, and brings more color - student ownership of the space. It's their work, their perspective, their perception, and it looks great up on the walls.

I'm talking with the students on the level about the gap between my hopes, intentions, and realities and limitations. They seem to respond better when they realize that I'm trying to make the best of their time in my room. They know they're being shafted in some ways, and I don't encourage them bashing others - but I don't censor their feelings, either. 

The students have remarked how relaxed and welcoming it is in the room. Every day I have students in my room early, and at lunch. The change is very welcome - and I'm so grateful for it.

The next order of business is to really rev up the portfolios (including my own), expand some horizons, enter competitions, and have the class be a springboard for us all. May 23rd will come sooner than expected. 

possibilities and finite answers

As I approach the second semester, with both optimism and realism, I feel much of the same hope I had before the limitations stopped me in my tracks. The limitations created such a horrible environment to work in - a horrible environment to learn and teach in. I should be really happy that my students have shown real learning and growth. They have demonstrated use of critical thinking as well as imagination and creativity (not that those are by any means exclusive of the other). I am really happy that they have learned. Maybe I just got lucky - or maybe I did something right.

The community continues to call in with requests for projects to be completed by the students. I feel confident in asking many of my Photo students to complete these service learning opportunities, but I must be really blunt in saying that I just don't trust my Graphics students with any responsibility. 

I'm going to have to return to the old format of individual projects that focus on skill building. My advanced students will be bored - and I'm afraid I will also. I love to infuse meaning and real-life connections in my teaching. I love when students use what I show them, and then take it a step beyond even their own expectations. 

While this class represents the typical bell curve of achievement and critical thinking skills: (25% advanced, 50% average, 25% below average) I am struggling to find the happy-medium to best meet their learning. I am tempted to break up the groups by ability : Red Readers, Blue Whatevers, Green Something-or-Others. I have no difficulty in differentiating learning and teaching to meet all the IEP's - but I think that the differentiated groups in a heavily tech-based class will require so much more work. I'm afraid it will be much more work than the two levels (and five periods) of Photo. If only tech support were worth a damn at my district. If only I could just get what is needed (and what was promised) to do my job right. I'd be happy enough just to get decent lighting in the cave, uh... I mean classroom, or the trash removed almost every day.

I must sound like every single first-year teacher. In some ways it helps to keep in mind that my struggles in this particular site are not very unique. That helps when I remember my colleagues (and miss my home)... 

Since I'm surrounded by so much negativity, I think I need to create lessons that help ME feel like I'm doing some good. Selfish, no? Project-based learning allows the educator periods of grading when projects are complete - or at checkpoints along the way. I have felt the most pride in my students when I've been able to grade their works - and that's not necessarily that often.

There's such a chasm between my intentions and the possibilities - and the finite answers, or the reality of the situation. I want to do a fabulous job, and I need the equipment to be up and running well. I would love to be able to do all my own equipment maintenance - but I don't want to have to get another degree to learn how to do it. Besides, no matter how many times I ask - I won't get the help I need. I will be (have been) met with resistance each step of the way - and even though it would make it easier for all involved: the people causing resistance won't just get out of my way and let me do what needs to be done.

home from being home

The holiday trip to California was just what we all needed. It was incredible to see with a new perspective what 'home' actually is to me. I rarely get the feeling of 'home' anymore - it's an odd feeling to a person who has moved so many times in my life.

I felt a little bit 'home' on Christmas Eve at the mass services. Explaining customs, rites, and rituals to my dh surprised me that something so traditional and regimented was still such a part of me. Maybe the mass has been just such a routine for so long, that it was like reciting a fallow prayer. But at Christmas Eve, in mass, with my fragmented little family in the church, it felt a little 'home'.

I am who I am - though. A trip to the MoLAA in its recent rebirthed glory made me feel 'home'. I always get more of a connection feeling in a museum or gallery than I do in church. I was surrounded by people who accepted me - people that have learned to live with and celebrate each other in all the beautiful differences we display. What a contrast that was to what I have returned to here. Here truly is a desert.

A few brief visits with friends and colleagues have proved fruitful for the future - but mostly for the soul. It was great to be 'home'.