documentation

Monday, Feb 26, 2007; 11:26 a.m.

All morning I have been scanning, and making copies, and printing extra copies of all the work I have done. The process has given me confidence, because I am seeing that I did my job. I knew I did. I have proof. I have photos. Staff and faculty saw me doing my job - even when there was a flippant (and errant) remark made to a student suggesting otherwise. Not to mention, I was video and audio taped nearly every second while doing my job.

I'm not saying that I was perfect. I did make mistakes. They were typical new student-teacher mistakes. I corrected the mistakes, and I learned along the way.

I allowed my master teachers' inappropriate comments to intimidate me, which prevented me from enforcing professional and personal boundaries. It also prevented me from fully disclosing how much it bothered me that I felt continually and increasingly undermined, and under-supported in regards to the behavior management issues. I did discuss it, though.

If my husband and his workplace were not a part of this equation, I would have felt fully confident and justified approaching my master teacher, defining my boundaries with respect and professionalism, and asking for courtesy and respect. This school is where he works, and he LOVES his job. He is paying all the bills while I finish earning my credential, so that I can join him in earning a living and supporting our family. He is a relatively new teacher. My master teacher is not. I was afraid that if I approached the Master Teacher, gossip would increase, and become more malicious, further placing both my husband and I in a very awkward situation. I felt like I had to be present for every Nutrition and Lunch period in order to avoid giving any further opportunity for gossip and inappropriate suggestions.

My husband and I both discussed working at the same site when it was proposed to me upon passing the portfolio review (December 1st, 2006). My friend Lindsay was with us having a celebratory lunch at the Nugget on the campus. We agreed that we could carpool in together if there were no conflicting schedules. We agreed to a professional demeanor; no affection on or near campus, spoken nor physical. We didn't even say "I love you" - we stuck with our code word. I replied on the phone only once "I love you too" to a call made during lunch. Now, with one flippant remark, my conduct (and my husbands' conduct) is being called into question.

There are about four or five other teacher couples at the site. They are married, and work at the same school. They get gossip, too - but they can stop it in its' tracks. They are not guests at the school. They have their credentials in hand. They don't have a master teacher listening in the hall as you try to address your challenges with your support system and colleagues. I felt like that support system was taken away from me.

I'm not judging my master teachers' methods. If something works for her, then it works. I tried to the best of my ability (while very emotional) to explain to my supervisors the system that had been put into place was working against me. I tried to explain where my difficulties are, and ask for help in order to address those concerns with my master teacher. A particular situation was increasingly getting out of control. I needed help. I felt I would not be supported by my master teacher. I took a step back and asked for help from the university.

My master teacher (now former master teacher) blames me for misinterpreting what she said and did. Maybe it was a joke - but how would I know that? Even if the comments were made in jest, it was at my expense. It called into question my integrity. It created mistrust. It was inappropriate. I did nothing to deserve that. It was unfair to create that kind of a challenge to address and that kind of environment to work in.

For now, I am continuing my paperwork. I have a great start on my portfolio, and I am proud of the successes I had, and with my students' successes. My husband is proud of me.