this job sucks

Sometimes, like today, the bad days are really bad. Sometimes, the bad schools really earn their reputation. I can still hear Bob's words from the other day - "Don't let those crazies over there get to ya." Why does it always happen after someone says something like that?

Later in the day, I hear from a student that people in my class are selling weed - IN CLASS. I suspected one (or more) of them were holding yesterday. I also felt that MT would not do anything about it. Apparently, students found out that the rules don't get enforced when you smoke a blunt outside the classroom - graduating seniors especially. So now, as I'm teaching a lesson, I hear some of the students remark that they can 'smell that shit from here' - across the table. I take a look over, (still lecturing) and they all freeze up. Someone was holding. They had to be.

My intent was to hold the table after class and ask them to empty their backpacks out on the table. They all slipped out as the bell rang. I was distracted by another handful of attention demanding students. They're all attention demanding students.

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It took most of the afternoon, and constantly thinking of the 10 to 15 % of my students who actually try and care about their education, to not say "I'm done, I'm not coming back, I don't have to do this, other schools in better places are asking me to work for them," It is still taking a lot of restraint to not say it.

That 10 percent keeps me going - even when they mess with me. They're excellent kids. They have heart, and brains, and drive. They're creative, and brilliant - even though some of their GPA's don't show it. They have difficulties expressing themselves or more difficulty in recognizing when to stop expressing themselves - which gets them into trouble with other teachers. They're not the schools' top 10% - but they're MY top 10%.

I hope they're going to be enough to hold on to. I'm tired, and weary, and angry, and frustrated, ...and sad. I'm so, so sad. I'm very disappointed by many things. I'm SO weary of hearing complaints all day long - about the most asinine things. The time is flying by each day - but I'm still counting down the weeks until it's over. To top it off: I'm missing out on precious time with my son AND I'm deeper in to debt for this thrilling little experience.

I keep asking myself "why do I care?" "Why should I care?"

I keep reminding myself that these high-schoolers are just toddlers in adult-sized bodies. Toddlers can be such a-holes sometimes. Then they turn around and do something so cute, or loving, or smart, ... it almost makes you forget about the tantrums. Almost. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Preparing for the worst - hoping for the best, mostly hoping for a good night's sleep.